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Adam x core

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"when you are lonely when you're alone, then you're in bad company" [Aug. 12th, 2005|01:05 am]
Adam x core
well, i guess i am in bad company. i am cracking. my mind is taking over and i can't kill it. i've tried all types of perscriptions, therapies and finally alcoholism to shut it off but it won't. seeing how far i've descended into my madness, at this point i can almost see the bottom. i don't think i'll be around next year at this rate.

"Open the door! Open, blast you! I'll endure anything, your red-hot tongs and molten lead, your racks and prongs and garrotes - all your fiendish gadgets, everything that burns and flays and tears - I'll put up with any torture you impose. Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough."

life is not fair. one of my childhood friends died last saturday in a car accident. he was dealt a shitty hand from the beginning. an alcoholic family, a mother who dies after giving birth to his younger brother when he was about 9. two older brothers, one a junkie who spent more time in jail than out and the other the sweetest kindest person who just lost it after his mother died. my friend became a alkie at 12 and a junkie at 14. in and out of jail and struggling with addiction from 16 until last year when he finally cleaned up and straightened out. now, after he finally got his shit together, he is killed in a freak car accident.

this is just one of several very similiar blows i have been received this week. i can't deal with this by myself, but i feel so fucking alone. i want to be happy and entertaining for everyone else because i know i am not a good person and to become anymore of a burden is not fair. i want to fix everything for everyone but i can't fix myself and i can't ask for help.

i want to move to siberia and live and die alone. i really believe i am meant to be alone and that by not forcing myself into reclusion i am being selfish and i am really hurting people and fucking up all the lives of those i love.

people can believe what they want, but i am being completely honest. this is not some sort of "cry for help" or me trying to get attention by being fucking "emo" or whatever in my gay ass livejournal. i truly and utterly believe i am a worthless human being and that the world would and everyone in it would be a better place if i had been aborted or a miscarriage. i don't belong here and now everyone else has to suffer the consequences.


i am so sorry
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this is me an my most vuneralbe [Aug. 10th, 2005|05:24 am]
Adam x core
i am not trying to be deep. this not a faux attempt at literary genius. my analogies, metaphors and similies suck. i am not adding anything new. i am just trying to explain...



since i was a kid there were three things that i looked forward to every summer. they were my constants. the first was the opening of the arcard down the willows (the "amusement park" down the street from my house). every year i was the first one sitting outside at like 5 in the morning anxiously waiting for the big green gates to open so i could see what new games were added since last summer. mortal kombat 1, 2 and 3!!!! cruisin' usa and other racing games. killer instinct!!!! oh man, i could hardly wait. 5am sitting outside waiting for doors that wouldn't even open until 10am at the earliest. every summer i would wait and it was always worth it.

second was the beach. i live on a penisula so i have three or four beaches i would frequent. i would even swim from one point on the penisula all the way to another, which back in the day was not only dangerous in the eyes of my mother but was also a long fucking swim. i would swim with my best friends during high tide and then during low tide we would go to the tide pools and hunt for crabs.

the last was the park. right across the street from me is juniper point park. the city would pay college students to be park instructors and basically that job entailed babysitting us kids with arts and crafts, inter-city kickball games and playing four square with us. my park was notorious. on opening day we would all get up on the roofs of the garages surrounding the park and nail the instructors with water baloons. we were so hardcore.

i'm 22 now and all of these things have changed and so have i. the arcade now longer gets any good games and they got rid of most of the good games that i loved growing up. obviousily i wouldn't be waiting outside on opening day anymore, but i always stop in hoping for something new and amazing only to be disappointed. it's like the don't care anymore.

i no longer swim and the rocks have changed shape because of the tides leaving them unfamiliar. i guess a shitty analogy or metaphor could be made comparing me with the rocks. i have changed shape and am no longer familiar to those i grew up with. that's too easy though and is too much of a cliche.

the park has changed shape as well. i was the only "kid" on the board to redisign the park but no one took me seriousily. still, no one does. the park i grew up with is gone and there are no longer park instructors. it's an urban ruin. it is my decrepid youth.

things were easier then. i worried about stupid things and now my friends are dying or being hospitalized. i just want to give up on this all. it seems like it's just down hill from here. the tides are going to keep wearing me down. i give up.
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rehearsals for departure [Jul. 18th, 2005|04:52 pm]
Adam x core
so like my last entry said i am coming home on wednesday 20th, July. i am going to be arriving in boston at 4:40pm and to tell you the truth i am scared shitless and completely leaving against my will. i know that saying this is going to help my plee for help, but i don't want to come home. i want to stay here forever. i want relive the last 7 months of my life, well parts of it, over and over. i don't want to have to keep leaving and losing people that i love more than anything. the past month and a half has been one painful goodbye after another and i am in so much pain right now. i feel like i lost all of my best friends and i am going back home to a place which i no longer fit.

everyone has been really nice to be all along and have reassured me over and over again that i am missed and loved and wanted back, but you all know how hard it is for me to believe anything postive about myself. i am just so terrified of losing all the people i have met here and having already lost everyone at home.

i don't want to do this.





i would come out just see you
dancing freely by the sunset
like the sun you'd shine brightly

we'd spend hours by the curbside
telling stories under streetlights
how your words would amaze me

now those days are gone
dlowly they'd slipped away

i still go out by the old house
where i met you our first summer
where are you now, you're with another

i am sitting by the curbside
where we'd hang out under streetlights
how those times still are with me

now those days are gone
slowly they slip away
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untitled [Jul. 17th, 2005|10:37 am]
Adam x core
i am flying home this wednesday, 20 July.
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i'm so lame [Jul. 10th, 2005|09:14 pm]
Adam x core
sorry about the last post. i know it may be hard to believe but i was drunk when i wrote it so i was throwing myself a huge pity party. i know people care and i should have removed the stick from my ass or the alcohol from my system before i wrote anything.

sorry
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forgotten but not yet gone [Jul. 9th, 2005|01:24 pm]
Adam x core
i`m glad to see that everyone is so concerned with my safety, you know where i am still living in london and it just got attacked. i guess i`m forgotten but not yet gone.

you crash out on his side
all is quiet, all is calm
the air thick with stale smoke,
your cheap perfume and alcohol
and although you know you need him
like a stake through your heart
you think it's worse to stay apart

cause it's the last day of summer,
and it will hurt you more than most
cause you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost
yeah, it's the last day of summer
and you know you're not supposed,
but you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost

you're absence makes no sense,
just a constant state of suspense
and although you both know
the bubble might burst as soon as you meet
another false start, rather than to stay apart

cause it's the last day of summer,
and it will hurt you more than most
cause you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost
yeah, it's the last day of summer
and you know you're not supposed,
but you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost

it's the last day of summer
and you know you're not supposed
you're still trying to mine for memories in a ghost
it's the last day of summer
it's the last day of summer
it's the last day of summer
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hours to go before i sleep [Jun. 23rd, 2005|02:53 pm]
Adam x core
so i'm definately not coming home last sunday in case anyone didn't figure that out. i honestly don't know when i am going to come home. i only know two things for sure 1) i am going to norway on the 30/6 and 2) Springsteen's Nebraska is one of the most beautiful and under-rated albums ever. you all should go buy it. i got it for £4 which is like nothing. go by it or i'll piss all over you like my name is r. kelly

mj should burn in hell

i really miss my friends at home, well at least the 2 or 3 i know i still have (i love you nick and i bought the teenage fanclub record for you yesterday. you find some other kick-ass imports i can get for dirt cheap while i'm here muffin). i miss my friends from my new home.


we are all stardust
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...i don't know when i'll be back again [Jun. 14th, 2005|03:02 pm]
Adam x core
i go to bed real early
everybody thinks it's strange
i get up early in the morning
no matter how disappointed i was
with the day before
it feels new

i don't leave the house much
i don't like being around people
makes me nervous and weird
i don't like going to shows either
it's better for me to stay home
some might think it means i hate people
but that's not quite right

i do some stupid things
but my heart's in the right place
and this i know

i got a dog
i take him for a walk
and all the people like to say hello
i'm used to staring down at the sidewalk cracks
i'm learning how to say hello
without too much trouble

i'm turning out just like my father
though i swore i never would
now i can say that i have a love for him
i never really understood
what it must have been like for him
living inside his head

i feel like he's here with me now
even though he's dead

it's not all good and it's not all bad
don't believe everything you read
i'm the only one who knows what it's like
so i though i'd better tell you
before i leave

so in the end i'd like to say
that i'm a very thankful man
i tried to make the most of my situations
and enjoy what i had
i knew true love and i knew passion
and the difference between the two
and i had some regrets
but if i had to do it all again
well, it's something i'd like to do



i don't think i'm going to make it home. as of right now, it looks like i might be flying home on the 19th and staying for a week and then flying back here. i don't anyone really cares either way. i don't think i'm going to make it home though. i have learned so much from this trip but unfortunately, the one thing that has really engulfed me is that there is no so such thing as life. it is all death. everything ends and no matter how happy it makes you it is only going to hurt that much more once its over. i can't live for the good moments because the other ones hurt too much.
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have you forgotten [May. 25th, 2005|05:28 pm]
Adam x core
there's my favorite rollercoaster
next to the blue water
the one only sissies ride
there's the sun
going down
creating that florescent glow
reminding me i'll never be able
to relive this day
except in memory

there's those big barking fish
in the concrete stream
growling for dog food
bulging dead eyes that gleam
but where's dad
and where is mom
looks like from here on out
it's just me and you
looks like from here on out
it's just me and you




a descending climb
my feet can't make the hill
to the top where your house hides
tomorrow she comes
the one who i've sworn and broke
loyalty
to take your place
in the bed next to me
you threaten to make me dead
and none of this will matter
or surface again
scares you to know that we won't be
watching the same sun
or brooding the same thoughts
in the same part of the world
scares me how you get older
how you forget about each other
things mean a lot at the time
don't mean nothing later



when everything we felt failed
and some music soft in distant sails
but it don't sound like it did before
then i know i'm left with nothing more
than my own soul

when pretty pictures face back
but your coats aren't hanging on the rack
and blue water turns to
a place that i can't get to
a place that i can't

in a room all i feel
is the cold that you left
through the air all i see
is your face full of blame
what's left to see
what's there to see

in the room all i feel
is the cold that you left
through the air all i see
is your face full of blame
what's left to see
what's there to see

what's left to see



i can't make anything
of why the brightest light fades
or how you slept a sleepless slumber
and through the rhythm of the timeless season
and you are the dark on my soul
and it's your love that i steal
and you're my cuts that won't close
and this i'm certain
and this i'm certain
and this i'm certain

i don't see anything
through all your worries
and the worst in people
and your'e the builder of your own high temple
and that's the magic of your mind
and you're the reason that i'm down
but you're the promise that i found
and you're all that i got
who's the meanest
and who's a genius
and who's mine

and from the bed you lay and wonder
and from the morning come like thunder
it's the downfall of your time
and you're the dark of our home
but still the home that i feel won't let up
or let go
and this i'm certain
and this i'm certain




going past golden gate
elementary everyday
kids down colorful hill
recess and fire drill
she likes the side without the heat
where the sun don't beat
she likes the cooler side
of washington street

hummingbirds, pigeons and doves
hover rooftops above
light shine down into the tides
over hillsides
see where the bridge and mountain meet
at the mouth of the sea
and where the sailboats live a day
and turn away
with the purple evening

losing our loving hold
in the skies fluorescent glow
she takes her thoughts and cares
into the moonlit alley stairs
still in my hand i feel the sting
the sound of bells ring
and the memory of the face
never washes away
the current evening




some odd door
some blooming tree
senseless and awkward
feeling hard uneased
sleep in rooms where people leave
dry of gentleness
of life
of breeze

sometimes you get so alone without a friend
it's hard to know who you are
and to pretend

little lights reaching over my head
shiny sinks to let myself out in
and you won't call to say it's all right
'cause you know it lasts all night

you know you should be at home
where it's good to be tired
under a roof that you know
that we're inside

some odd door
off-white painted sills
faded pictures gathered round me still
and i know what you face in the night
and i know you'll be alright




Giving in to love
And sharing my time
Letting someone into my misery
I told it all step by step
How I landed on the island
And how I swim across the sea
And it crosses my mind
That I may wait to a sign from you

No more breath in my hair
Or ladies underwear
Tossed up over the alarm clock
Blood dripping from the bed
To a neatly written poem
Heartfelt last line reading
There is no more mystery
Is it going to happen, my love?
There is no more mystery
Is it going to happen, my love?

It's all in my head
Morning after nightmare
You're building a wall
Higher than the both of us
So try living life instead of hiding in the bedroom
Show me a smile and I'll promise not to leave you

It happened under a rainy cloud
Gasping through the dark South
We went into a big house
And slept in a small bed
I didn't know you then
As well as you love me
We talked about side lines
And we went our separate ways
And we went off separately
I found you overseas souvenirs
Holiday greeting cards
Those long forgotten high school fears

It's all in my head I said
Banging on the piano
I've not been so along
The thoughts kicking in the womb
I drank so much tea
I put my letters in college
Around the block I walked and walked
Pretending you were with me

Not wanting to die out here
Without you

The hurting never ends
Like birthdays and old friends we forget
There is fresh blood and blood is human
Trading phone lines
Trading lines
Unwilling to face
That love is found on the inside
Not the outside
And like a medicine bottle
In the cabinet
I'll keep you
And like a medicine bottle
In my hand
I will hold you
And swallow you slowly
As to last me a lifetime
Without holding too tight
I do not want to lose
The thrill that it gives me
To look out from my window
The tiny houses
From my world in my bedroom
It's all in his head, she read
In a girlfriend's self-help book
It's all 'cause he's making a war with himself
Like two sides with a wall
That separates two countries
He shuts out the world he once knew
To love you

Not wanting to die out here
Without you

Not wanting to die out here
Without you





some escape some door to open
this path seems the blackest but i
guess it's the soonest
but there in the clearing i
know you'll be wearing
your young aching smile and
waving your hand
can't go with my heart when i
can't feel what's in it i
thought you'd come over
but for some reason you didn't
glass on the pavement under my shoe
without you is all my life amounts to

a final sleep no
words from my cutting
mouth to your ear or
taut wicked pinches
from my fingers to your bitter face
that i can't heal
i know tomorrow
you will be
somewhere in london
living with someone
you've got some kind of family
there to turn to
and that's more than i could ever give you

a chance for calm
a hope for freedom
outlet from my cold solitary kingdom
by the forest of our spring stay
where you walked away
and left a bleeding part of me
empty and bothered
watching the water
quiet in the corner
numb and falling through
without you what does my life amount to





a rare and blistering sun shines down
on grace cathedral park
there with you i fear the time
when air gets dark
you know i don't spend days like this
caught up in lost times of youth that i miss

can almost hear rollercoasters
see sailboats in the sea
hear noise and screaming
weaving in and out of
happy music box sounds

but here on the ground
we're so far away from that
time turned older now

we walked down the hill
i feel the coming on
of the fading sun
and i know for sure
that you'll never be the one
it's the forbidden moment that we live
that fires our sad escape
and holds passion more that words can say

tell me why are you like this
are you the same with anyone?
save me from my sickness and tell me
why do you treat me like?
tell me why are you like this
are you the same with anyone?
save me from my sickness and tell me
why are you like this





sad reminders of
what seems years ago
warm southern sun shines through
station wagon windows
like solar energy
and when in the night
your brother turned to me and said,
"god, do you look evil in the dark"

that made me feel good

sad reminders of
midwest winter snow
cold catholic church
heaven in stained glass windows
like rock candy
and when on sunday
their daughter turned at me and said,
"mom and dad, is it a boy or a girl"
"mom and dad, is it a he or a she"




so much that i can't say to you
my voice shakes from the hurt that i hide
ashamed of my existence
and of my petty often wounded pride
i'd like to come home to see you
and to catch your sickness by the bedside
but then you'd know how much i really need you

all the love in an instant
makes my life stop
but then my hate for you
makes my feelings altogether drop

if only i were blind to your selfish fling
and your desperate cause
and didn't press you for the details
that threaten my physical flaws

i'd like to come home to see you
and embrace your illness under soft light
but then you'd know how much i really need you

all the love in an instant
makes my life stop
but then my hate for you
makes my feelings altogether drop

so much that i can say to you
with affection that i burn inside
you're aching from the distance
avoiding strain that's running still alive
if only i could heal you in the sprinkling of the ocean side
but then you'd know how much i really love you

all the love in an instant
makes my life stop
but then my hate for you
makes my feelings altogether drop





i walked down the hill
sluggishly and frail
the wind blew hard
hard on me
i imagined it your ghost white body
making love with me i walked down the hill
found you crying at the window sill
there lies the bridge
of our lost dreams
i want to see it once more before i leave
i still feel the sting in my hand
from when i hit you
i keep you picture
tidy and safe in a shrine
and hope that in time
we'll have a house on the shore
that showers my soul
washes away the violence that
runs in my blood
drains the pain that i caused you
down through




in the night we freeze
and you want me to tell
in london's lonesome park
brockwell

but out here
i am distracted
as fire bombs explode
bonfire lamps glow to the crowded road

if the days weren't so precious
and no worlds where shorted wires had kept us
things would be better than this
there's an angel by the ocean i miss
and trips on the train
before our lives changed
the mirror where i watched your naked body strain




Its cold here in the city
Always seems that way
Ive been thinking about you almost everyday
Thinking about the good times
Thinking about the bad
Thinking about how bad it feels all alone again

Im sorry for the ways things are in China
Im sorry things arent what they used to be
But more than anything else
Im sorry for myself
That youre not here with me

My friends all ask about you
I say youre doing fine
I expect to hear from you almost any time
They all know Im lying
I cant sleep at night
They all know Im dying deep down inside

Im sorry for all the lies I told you
Im sorry for the things I didnt say
But more than anything else Im sorry for myself

I cant believe you went away
Im sorry if I took some things for granted
Im sorry for the chains I put on you
But more than anything else
Im sorry for myself for living without you




********************************************************************************

i can't let you be
cause your beauty won't allow me
wrapped in white sheets
like an angel from a bedtime story
shut out what they say
cause your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
somehow they feel up and you feel down

when we were kids
we hated things our parents did
we listened low
to casey kasem's radio show
that's when friends were nice
to think of them just makes you feel nice
the smell of grass in spring
and october leaves cover everything

have you forgotten how to love yourself?

i can't believe all the good things that you do for me
sat back in a chair
like a princess from a faraway place
nobody's nice
when you're older your heart turns to ice
and shut out what they say
they're too dumb to mean it anyway

when we were kids
we hated things our sisters did
backyard summer pools
and christmases were beautiful
and the sentiment
of coloured mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes
look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

have you forgotten how to love yourself


********************************************************************************





********************************************************************************

she comes apart at the seams
cause she never dreams
as she lays up awake
cause her feelings ache
and the one thing she found
as she gazed at the sea
was that she lost her faith
her faith in me

and in the early morning
i can't make up a thing
and a barely can play
i don't like to sing
so i picked up my brush
painted blue guitar
and i ripped off the chords
from 'bron y' aur'

so i played her a song
but the timing was wrong
poor choices of chords
and the words were forced
and the one thing that i found
as i gazed at the sea
was that she lost all hope
all hope in me

as she gazed at the sea
was that she lost her faith
her faith in me

********************************************************************************


haven't heard from almost anyone in months. guess you've all forgotten. so, this is goodbye
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i wonder if anyone ever reads these??? [Apr. 13th, 2005|04:14 pm]
Adam x core
You'll find it hiding in shadows
you'll find it hiding in cupboards
it will walk you home safe every night
it will help you remember

if that's way it is
then that's the way it is

i still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
what could i ever run to
just tell me it's tearing you apart
just tell me you cannot sleep

and you didn't even notice
when the sky turned blue
and you couldn't tell the difference
between me and you
and i nearly didn't notice
the gentlest feeling

you are the bluest light



we sit and we sigh
and nothing gets done
so right, so clued-up
we just get old

and all the while
been torn asunder

nicotine
and bacteria

what are we coming to
what are we gonna do



to be lost in the forest
to be cut adrift
you've been trying to reach me
you bought me a book
to be lost in the forest
to be cut adrift
i've been paid
i've been paid

don't get offended
if i seem absent minded
just keep telling me facts
and keep making me smile
don't get offended
if i seem absent minded
i get tongue-tied
baby, you've got to be more discerning
i've never known what's good for me
i will be yours

i'll pay for you anytime

you told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
you told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
jump right on
baby, you've got to be more discerning
i've never know what's good for me
baby, you've got to be more demanding
i will be yours

what are you holding out for?
what's always in the way?
why so damn absent minded?
why so scared of romance?

this modern love breaks me
this modern love wastes me

do you wanna come over and kill some time?
tell me facts
tell me facts
tell me facts
tell me facts
throw your arms around me



inside your pretending,
crimes have been swept aside,
somewhere, where they can forget.

divine upper reaches,
still holding on,
this ocean will not be grasped.
all for nothing

did you really want,
did you really want,
did you really want,
did you really want.

refuse to surrender,
strung out until ripped apart,
who dares, who dares to condemn
all for nothing

did you really want,
did you really want,
did you really want,
did you really want.



to pretend no one can find,
the fallacies of morning rose,
forbidden fruit, hidden eyes,
courtesies that i despise in me
take a ride, take a shot now.

cause nobody loves me,
it's true,
not like you do.

covered by the blind belief,
that fantasies of sinful screens,
bear the facts, assume the dye,
end the vows no need to lie, enjoy,
take a ride, take a shot now.

cause nobody loves me,
it's true,
not like you do.

who am i, what and why?
cause all i have left is my memories of yesterday,
ohh these sour times.

cause nobody loves me,
it's true,
not like you do.

after time the bitter taste,
of innocence decent or race,
scattered seed, buried lives,
mysteries of our disguise revolve,
circumstance will decide.

cause nobody loves me,
it's true,
not like you do



please could you stay awhile to share my grief,
for it's such a lovely day,
to have to always feel this way,
and the time that i will suffer less,
is when i never have to wake.

wandering stars,
for whom it is reserved,
the blackness of darkness, forever,
wandering stars,
for whom it is reserved,
the blackness of darkness, forever.

those who have seen the needles eye, now tread,
like a husk, from which all that was now has fled,
and the masks, that the monsters wear,
to feed, upon their prey.

wandering stars,
for whom it is reserved,
the blackness of darkness, forever,
wandering stars,
for whom it is reserved,
the blackness of darkness, forever.

doubled up inside,
take awhile to shed my grief,
always doubled up inside,
taunted, cruel.

wandering stars,
for whom it is reserved,
the blackness the darkness, forever,
wandering stars,
for whom it is reserved,
the blackness, the darkness, forever.



unable so lost,
i can't find my way,
been searching, but i have never seen,
a turning, a turning from deceit.

Cause the child roses like,
try to reveal what i could feel,
i can't understand myself anymore,
cause i'm still feeling lonely,
feeling so unholy.

Cause the child roses like,
try to reveal what i could feel,
and this loneliness,
it just won't leave me alone, oh no.

i'm fooling somebody,
a faithless path to roam,
deceiving to breath this secretly,
a silence, this silence i can't bear.

cause a child roses light,
try to reveal what i could feel,
and this loneliness,
it just won't leave me alone, oh no,
and this loneliness,
it just won't leave me alone.

a lady of war,
a lady of war.



oh, can't anybody see,
we've got a war to fight,
never found our way,
regardless of what they say.

how can it feel, this wrong,
from this moment,
how can it feel, this wrong.

storm,
in the morning light,
i feel,
no more can i say,
frozen to myself.

i got nobody on my side,
and surely that ain't right,
surely that ain't right.

oh, can't anybody see,
we've got a war to fight,
never found our way,
regardless of what they say.

how can it feel, this wrong,
from this moment,
how can it feel, this wrong.

how can it feel this wrong,
from this moment,
how can it feel, this wrong.

oh, can't anybody see,
we've got a war to fight,
never found our way,
regardless of what they say.

how can it feel, this wrong,
from this moment,
how can it feel, this wrong



your softly spoken words,
release my whole desire,
undenied,
totally.

and so bare is my heart,
i can't hide,
and so where does my heart,
belong.

beneath your tender touch,
my senses can't divide,
oh so strong,
my desire.

for so bare is my heart,
i can't hide,
and so where does my heart,
belong.

now that i've found you,
and seen behind those eyes,
how can i,
carry on.

for so bare is my heart,
i can't hide,
and so where does my heart,
belong.

belong, belong, belong.



friends tell me it's spring
my window show the same
without you here the seasons pass me by
i know you were not new
that loved like me and you
all the same i miss you
today has been ok
today has been ok

the preacher lost his son
he's known by all in town
he found him with another son of god
feeding on the prayer
nevermind what god said
but love had lost its cause
and i thought today had been ok
today has been ok
today has been ok

wind has burned your skin
the lovely air so thin
the salty water's underneath your feet
no one's gone in vain
here is where you'll stay
cause life has been insane but
today has been ok
today has been ok
today has been ok
today has been ok



you won't believe what i just found out
she's getting married on the fifth time round
leaning on my favorite side
and u wondered where you are and realize
Something is painted in the snow that you'd like

finally i'm going all sane
wanna tell you something
we last for long
well we've sometimes gone astray
but i can't care for nothing, no way

and i hope again to live this life
just to see you again before i died

yes i hope again to live this life
to see you once more before i died

and see you before i die



new world forming
picturesque in its stance
midnight calling
moonlight shadows start to dance

for the dark finds ways of being
engraved in the light
and the heart bears indentations
of yesterdays hurting child
the now we will run with smiles
the morrow will heal the night so
morning comes
midnight make fast with the sun
i can hear my name be reborn
on the cloud within the sky beneath the dawn

oh i
serenade the dawn
serenade the dawn
serenade the dawn

for the dark finds ways of being
engraved in the light
and the heart bears indentations
of yesterdays hurting child
the now we will run with smiles
the morrow will heal the night so
morning comes
midnight make fast with the sun
i can hear my name be reborn
on the cloud within the sky beneath the dawn

oh i
serenade the dawn
serenade the dawn
serenade the dawn

da da da da dum dum
da dum dum
da da da da dum dum
da dum dum...



i wonder if anyone ever reads these. the take forever to post because i hate uppercase letters and punction. they are really the best way to see how i am feeling. i mean if you read these, you'd be able to tell i am very lonely and feel like love is something that just was not made for me. there is a little bit of hope in these too.

they also have to deal with me not wanting to come home. i really want to know what people think. you are all bogged down with work and your semester ends soon so i can understand why i am a distant thought, but think about life one month from now. i'm still going to be here. will anyone remember me when there aren't other people or things/settings to remind you?

lately, i have felt less like a person and more like a myth. people talk about me as though i am a character, not a person. i'll be sitting right there and someone will start telling a story about me as though i don't exist. it's such a cliche and you can all say something like "thanks kurt", but it really is better to burn out than to fade away and i have that chance right now. i can disappear. i can still be a myth or a character or whatever. is this my only chance to be remembered?
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